Quotes I

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. — Douglas Adams

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. — Douglas Adams

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow them. — Louisa May Alcott

When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway. — Clyde B. Aster

Committee–a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. — Fred Allen

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. — Henry Allen

Whenever you fall, pick something up. — Oswald Avery

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them. — Franklin P. Adams

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. — Bertolt Brecht

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. — Nicholas Butler

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. — Ambrose Bierce

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. — Erma Bombeck

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. — Joan Baez

Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing. — Wernher von Braun

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last. — Edward Bulwer-Lytto

The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. — Henry Boye

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. — Robert Benchley

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. — Robert Benchley

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment — Robert Benchley

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. — Robert Benchley

I can’t bring myself to say, ‘Well, I guess I’ll be toddling along.’ It isn’t that I can’t toddle. It’s just that I can’t guess I’ll toddle. — Robert Benchley

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony. — Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. — Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. — Robert Benchley

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. — Robert Benchley

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. — Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. — Robert Benchley, Benchley’s Law of Distinction

It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars. — Arthur C. Clarke

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. — Arthur C Clarke

The life so short, the craft so long to learn. — Geoffrey Chaucer

Art is science made clear. — Jean Cocteau

Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. — Miguel de Cervantes

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there. — Herb Caen

Life is a terminal disease. — Abraham Cowley

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. — Blake Clark

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. — Maurice Chevalier

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. — Cyril Connolly

Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone. — Hodding Carter

Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic. — Lewis Carol

Men willingly believe what they wish. — Julius Caesar

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do. — Andrew Carnegie

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? — Dick Clark

If there were no bad people there would be no good lawyers. — Charles Dickens

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it. — Roald Dahl

To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend. — Jacques Derrida

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps. — Benjamin Disraeli

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. — Bob Edwards

Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen. — Bob Edwards

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile. — Bob Edwards

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway. — Evan Esar

We do what we must, and call it by the best names. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking. — Thomas A. Edison

I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. — Dwight D. Eisenhower

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. — W.C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. — W.C. Fields

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away. — Thomas Fuller

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it. — Dianne Feinstein

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. — Benjamin Franklin

Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable — Benjamin Franklin

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you were dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing. — Benjamin Franklin

The future is here. It’s just not evenly distributed yet. — William Gibson

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea. — Samuel Goldwyn

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word. — Charles de Gaulle

I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been. — Wayne Gretzky

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. — Baltasar Gracian

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance. — Edward Gibbon

History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind. — Edward Gibbon

Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know. — Cullen Hightower

Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn’t. — L. L. Henderson

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. — Herbert Hoover

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies. — Edgar Watson Howe

People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest. — Hermann Hesse

A man’s silence is wonderful to listen to. — Thomas Hardy

A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time. — Oliver Wendell Holmes

Determine never to be idle… It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing. — Thomas Jefferson

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it. — Thomas Jefferson

Enlighten the people, generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like spirits at the dawn of day. — Thomas Jefferson

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. — Thomas Jefferson

I cannot live without books. — Thomas Jefferson

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. — Thomas Jefferson

I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. — Thomas Jefferson

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. — Thomas Jefferson

It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation which give happiness. — Thomas Jefferson

Never fear the want of business. A man who qualifies himself well for his calling, never fails of employment. — Thomas Jefferson

Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson

Never trouble another for what you can do for yourself. — Thomas Jefferson

No instance exists of a person’s writing two languages perfectly. That will always appear to be his native language which was most familiar to him in his youth. — Thomas Jefferson

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. — Thomas Jefferson

Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. — Thomas Jefferson

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. — Thomas Jefferson

The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it always to be kept alive. — Thomas Jefferson

The will of the people is the only legitimate foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object. — Thomas Jefferson

Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far. — Thomas Jefferson

We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. — Thomas Jefferson

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate. — Thomas Jefferson

Health is worth more than learning. — Thomas Jefferson

An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens. — Thomas Jefferson

Advertisements . . . contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. — Thomas Jefferson

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. — Thomas Jefferson

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. — Lyndon B. Johnson

Deep experience is never peaceful. — Henry James

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. — William James

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault. — Henry Kissinger

The best way to predict the future is to invent it. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Turn up your nose at good ideas. You must work on great ideas, not good ones. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Appreciate mundanity: after all, a pencil is high technology. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

The computer shouldn’t act like it knows everything. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Better is the enemy of best. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Relative judgements have no place in art. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Systems programmers are high priests of a low cult. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Point of view is worth 80 IQ points. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Good ideas don’t often scale. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

People who are really serious about software should make their own hardware. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

Content over form, go for fun. — Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982

If I’d asked people what they wanted, they would have asked for a better horse — Henry Ford

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. — Hanlon’s Razor

Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser. — Vince Lombardi

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. — Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! — Tom Lehrer

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. — Tom Lehrer

The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. — Tom Lehrer

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. — Fran Lebowitz

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice. — Abraham Lincoln

On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. — Tom Lehrer, “The Nature of Math”, 4/4/90

It’s an homage, which is the modern word for ‘we ripped off’. — Dick DeBartolo, The Daily Giz Wiz

When we die we all become three anecdotes in the memories of those who knew us. — Tony Kahn, WGBH Morning Stories

But that’s the thing about being a neophile isn’t it? We don’t have to own every new gadget that comes packaged in cardboard and plastic, we just have to know about it. — Cali Lewis, Geek Brief TV #74

That which one man knows can be taught to others. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Deride not what I say because of its simplicity. Truth is always simple. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Opportunity waits for no man. Today it is here; soon it is gone. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Good luck, we do find, often follows opportunity but seldom comes otherwise. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Good luck can be enticed by accepting opportunity. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Action will lead thee forward to the successes thou dost desire. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Better a little caution than a great regret. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

We cannot afford to be without adequate protection. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

The hungrier one becomes, the clearer one’s mind works–also the more sensitive one becomes to the odors of food. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Ill fortune pursues every man who thinks more of borrowing than of repaying. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

…He who spends more than he earns is sowing the winds of needless self-indulgence from which he is sure to reap the whirlwinds of trouble and humiliation. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

If a man has in himself the soul of a slave will he not become one no matter what his birth, even as water seeks its level? If a man has within him the soul of a free man, will he not become respected and honored in his own city in spite of his misfortune? — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

If thou contentedly let the years slip by and make no effort to repay, then thou hast but the contemptible soul of a slave. No man is otherwise who cannot respect himself and no man can respect himself who does not repay honest debts. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

…The soul of a freeman looks at life as a series of problems to be solved and solves them, while the soul of a slave whines ‘What can I do who am but a slave?’ — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Where the determination is, the way can be found. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Thou can’t get ahead by shirking… — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Some men hate it. They make it their enemy. Better to treat it like a friend, make thyself like it. Don’t mind because it is hard. If thou thinkest about what a good house thou build, then who cares if the beams are heavy and it is far from the well to carry the water for the plaster. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Remember, work, well-done, does good to the man who does it. It makes him a better man. — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Art thou man enough to face true fact, or dost thou prefer to live under false illusions? — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Act like a free man and succeed like one! Decide what thou desirest to accomplish and then work will aid thee to achieve it! — George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity. — Christopher Morley

If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think, they’ll hate you. — Don Marquis

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others. — Groucho Marx

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. — W. Somerset Maugham

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people. — Thomas Mann

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. — H. L. Mencken

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you’ll see why. — Mignon McLaughlin

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers

A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all. — Friedrich Nietzsche

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends. — Friedrich Nietzsche

If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. — Isaac Newton

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life. — P. J. O’Rourke

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man. — J. Robert Oppenheimer

Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are. — Laurence J. Peter

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn’t much better than tedious disease. — George Dennison Prentice

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. — Chuck Reid

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. — Carl Reiner

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know. — Will Rogers

Liberty is the air that we Americans breathe. — Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. — Ronald Reagan

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald Reagan

Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have. — Ronald Reagan

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. — Ronald Reagan

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret. — Ronald Reagan

Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty. — Ronald Reagan

Double, no triple, our troubles and we’d still be better off than any other people on earth. It is time that we recognized that ours was, in truth, a noble cause. — Ronald Reagan

Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged. — Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. — Ronald Reagan

I couldn’t help but say to Mr. Gorbachev just think how easy his task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet. We’d find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this earth together. — Ronald Reagan

They say hard work never hurt anybody, but, I figure, why take the chance? — Ronald Reagan

History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. — Ronald Reagan

I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself. — Ronald Reagan

Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. — Ronald Reagan

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. — William Safire

Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily. — George Santayana

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. — George Santayana

How my achievements mock me! — William Shakespeare

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience. — George Bernard Shaw

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you! — Tommy Smothers

Be not proud of race, face, place, or grace. — Charles Haddon Spurgeon

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn’t be enough to go around. — Christina Stead

An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. — Benjamin Stolberg

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. — Rex Stout

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow. — Arthur Stringer

If we can design our way into difficulty, we can design our way out. — John Thackara

He knows all about art, but he doesn’t know what he likes. — James Thurber

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. — Harry S Truman

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. — Peter Ustinov

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries

What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves. — Paul Valery

The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well. — Horace Walpole

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. — A. H. Weiler

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to ninety-nine cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. — Joe Weinstein

The purpose of life is to fight maturity. — Dick Werthimer

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. — Alfred North Whitehead

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes. — Doctor Who

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. — George F. Will

Spring is natures way of saying ‘Let’s party.’ — Robin Williams

The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man…only five hundred. — Meredith Willson

The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people. — Woodrow Wilson

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows. — David T. Wolf

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. — George Edward Woodberry

There are five possible operations for any army. If you can fight, fight; if you cannot fight, defend; if you cannot defend, flee; if you cannot flee, surrender; if you cannot surrender, die. — Sima Yi

One forges one’s style on the terrible anvil of daily deadlines. — Emile Zola

He’s the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. — Unknown

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. — Unknown

Old auctioneers never die, they just look forbidding. — Unknown

Old salesmen never die, they just get out of commission. — Unknown

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. — Unknown

Horse sense is stable thinking coupled with the ability to say ‘nay.’ — Unknown

Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground. — Unknown

It’s foolish to work up a head of steam unless you know what’s cooking. — Unknown

Love: An ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. — Unknown

Christmas is a holiday where neither the past nor the future is as interesting as the present. — Unknown

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas. — Unknown

To cool any urge to run around naked, rub on some windex. It’ll stop you from streaking. — Unknown

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. — Unknown

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. — Unknown

Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. — Unknown

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’ — Unknown

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to. — Unknown

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. — Unknown

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? — Unknown

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? — Unknown

You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. — Unknown

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. — Unknown

When she called me average I knew she was just being mean. — Unknown

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. — Unknown

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. — Unknown

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. — Unknown

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. — Unknown

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts. — Unknown

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. — Unknown

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician. — Unknown

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. — Unknown

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does. — Unknown

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. — Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything. — Unknown

Age is important only if you’re cheese. — Unknown

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. — Unknown

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. — Unknown

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. — Unknown

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. — Unknown

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. — Unknown

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think. — Unknown

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Unknown

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. — Unknown

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent. — Unknown

If you’re too open minded, your brains fall out. — Unknown

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. — Unknown

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. — Unknown

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. — Unknown

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. — Unknown

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. — Unknown

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. — Unknown

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. — Unknown

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. — Unknown

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. — Unknown

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. — Unknown

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — Unknown

By the time you’ve figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move. — Unknown

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. — Unknown

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. — Unknown

If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything. — Unknown

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. — Unknown

No one is listening until you make a mistake. — Unknown

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. — Unknown

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. — Unknown

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. — Unknown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. — Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. — Unknown

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. — Unknown

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. — Unknown

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. — Unknown

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. — Unknown

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. — Unknown

A closed mouth gathers no foot. — Unknown

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving. — Unknown

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. — Unknown

The danger in tooting your own horn is hitting a sour note. — Unknown

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth. — Unknown

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. — Unknown

If all is not lost, where is it? — Unknown

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. — Unknown

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few… — Unknown

It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere. — Unknown

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. — Unknown

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. — Unknown

When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? — Unknown

It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere. — Unknown

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. — Unknown

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. — Unknown

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other. — Unknown

When the rich wage war it’s the poor who die. — Unknown

When the wrong person does the right thing, it’s the wrong thing. — Chinese Proverb

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired. — Unknown Police Officer

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you. — Unknown Police Officer

Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor? — Unknown Police Officer

Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket. — Unknown Police Officer

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven. — Unknown Police Officer

No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can. — Unknown Police Officer

You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here. — Unknown Police Officer

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby. — Unknown

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. — Unknown

Fools rush in where fools have been before. — Unknown

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. — Unknown

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top . — Unknown

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. — Unknown

What if this weren’t a hypothetical question? — Unknown

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. — Abraham Lincoln

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. — Friedrich Nietzsche

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know. — Ambrose Bierce

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. — Will Rogers

The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums. — Peter De Vries

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin

One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar. — Oscar Wilde

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. — Douglas Adams

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event. — Oscar Wilde

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event. — Oscar Wilde

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. — Arthur C. Clarke

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. — Douglas Adams

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. — Will Rogers

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met. — Abraham Lincoln

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. — Will Rogers

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is. — Will Rogers

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. — Will Rogers

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. — Will Rogers

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. — Will Rogers

We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. — Will Rogers

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. — Oscar Wilde

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. — Oscar Wilde

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity. — Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. — Oscar Wilde

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. — Oscar Wilde

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. — Oscar Wilde

Why was I born with such contemporaries? — Oscar Wilde

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. — Abraham Lincoln

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.) — Ambrose Bierce

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. — Douglas Adams

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. — W.C. Fields

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. — Harry S. Truman

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you. — Peter De Vries

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? — Abraham Lincoln

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately. — Scott Adams

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. — Arthur C. Clarke

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better. — George Santayana

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. — Douglas Adams

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. — Ronald Reagan

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. — Thomas A. Edison

You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do. — Henry Ford

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. — Thomas Jefferson

To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant. — Scott Adams

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read ‘President Can’t Swim’. — Lyndon B. Johnson

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. — Thomas A. Edison

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’ — Ronald Reagan

We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything. — Thomas A. Edison

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. — W.C. Fields

Why shouldn’t things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together. — George Santayana

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. — Unknown

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. — Scott Adams

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it. — Unknown

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others. — Friedrich Nietzsche

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time. — Abraham Lincoln

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. — Unknown

Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless. — Thomas A. Edison

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off. — Unknown

You pay the right people, loopholes will appear. — Tom Merrit, Buzz Out Loud

I think there always is rational debate amongst some. And then I think there always is extreme ridiculousness amongst many. — Tom Merrit, Buzz Out Loud

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth. — Unknown

Patience is a virtue I don’t have time for. — Unknown

Learn from the mistakes of others;
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
— Unknown

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.
— Unknown

I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere. — Unknown

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. — Unknown

The problem with America is stupidity, now I’m not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself? — Unknown

When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. — Unknown

Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. — Unknown

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots. — Unknown

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. — Unknown

What if this weren’t a hypothetical question? — Unknown

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! — Unknown

I think stories are viruses that use human beings to spread! — Tony Kahn, WGBH Morning Stories

An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. — Niels Bohr

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. — P. J. O’Rourke

I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. — Richard Feynman

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! — Friedrich Nietzsche

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. — George Bernard Shaw

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right. — Isaac Asimov

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it. — Voltaire

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. — Isaac Newton

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem–neat, plausible, and wrong. — H. L. Mencken

The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office. — H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. — H. L. Mencken

They certainly give very strange names to diseases. — Plato

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. — Oscar Wilde

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. — George Bernard Shaw

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. — W. C. Fields

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. — Dave Barry

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. — Sir Winston Churchill

What’s another word for ‘Thesaurus’? — Steven Wright

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one. — Oliver Wendell Holmes

Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards. — Fred Hoyle

I sent the club a wire stating, ‘PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.’ — Groucho Marx

Nothing you can’t spell will ever work. — Will Rogers

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. — Oscar Wilde

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. — Oscar Wilde

To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. — Albert Einstein

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans. — Ronald Reagan

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. — H. L. Mencken

An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out. — Will Rogers

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. — Albert Einstein

‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. — Abraham Lincoln

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. — Oscar Wilde

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. — George Bernard Shaw

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. — Sir Winston Churchill

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. — Will Rogers

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. — Oscar Wilde

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. — H. L. Mencken

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. — P. J. O’Rourke

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. — Oscar Wilde

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. — Sir Winston Churchill

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. — H. L. Mencken

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. — Oscar Wilde

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. — Douglas Adams

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. — H. L. Mencken

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. — Sir Winston Churchill

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. — Steven Wright

To be listened to is, generally speaking, a nearly unique experience for most people. It is enormously stimulating. It is small wonder that people who have been demanding all their lives to be heard so often fall speechless when confronted with one who gravely agrees to lend an ear. Man clamors for the freedom to express himself and for knowing that he counts. But once offered these conditions, he becomes frightened. — Robert C. Murphy

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