In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
— Douglas Adams
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
— Douglas Adams
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow them.
— Louisa May Alcott
When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.
— Clyde B. Aster
Committee–a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
— Fred Allen
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
— Henry Allen
Whenever you fall, pick something up.
— Oswald Avery
Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them.
— Franklin P. Adams
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.
— Bertolt Brecht
The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
— Nicholas Butler
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
— Ambrose Bierce
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
— Erma Bombeck
The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
— Joan Baez
Basic research is what I am doing when I don’t know what I am doing.
— Wernher von Braun
A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last.
— Edward Bulwer-Lytto
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.
— Henry Boye
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
— Robert Benchley
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
— Robert Benchley
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment
— Robert Benchley
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
— Robert Benchley
I can’t bring myself to say, ‘Well, I guess I’ll be toddling along.’ It isn’t that I can’t toddle. It’s just that I can’t guess I’ll toddle.
— Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony.
— Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.
— Robert Benchley
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
— Robert Benchley
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
— Robert Benchley
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
— Robert Benchley
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.
— Robert Benchley, Benchley’s Law of Distinction
It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
— Arthur C. Clarke
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
— Arthur C Clarke
The life so short, the craft so long to learn.
— Geoffrey Chaucer
Art is science made clear.
— Jean Cocteau
Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.
— Miguel de Cervantes
I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.
— Herb Caen
Life is a terminal disease.
— Abraham Cowley
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
— Blake Clark
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
— Maurice Chevalier
There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.
— Cyril Connolly
Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.
— Hodding Carter
Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.
— Lewis Carol
Men willingly believe what they wish.
— Julius Caesar
As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
— Dick Clark
If there were no bad people there would be no good lawyers.
— Charles Dickens
We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.
— Roald Dahl
To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend.
— Jacques Derrida
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
— Benjamin Disraeli
A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
— Bob Edwards
Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
— Bob Edwards
When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
— Bob Edwards
It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.
— Evan Esar
We do what we must, and call it by the best names.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.
— Thomas A. Edison
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.
— Dwight D. Eisenhower
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
— W.C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
— W.C. Fields
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
— Thomas Fuller
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
— Paul Fix
Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it.
— Dianne Feinstein
Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.
— Benjamin Franklin
Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable
— Benjamin Franklin
If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you were dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.
— Benjamin Franklin
The future is here. It’s just not evenly distributed yet.
— William Gibson
Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
— Samuel Goldwyn
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
— Charles de Gaulle
I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been.
— Wayne Gretzky
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
— Baltasar Gracian
All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.
— Edward Gibbon
History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.
— Edward Gibbon
Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.
— Cullen Hightower
Fathers send their sons to college either because they went to college or because they didn’t.
— L. L. Henderson
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
— Herbert Hoover
Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.
— Edgar Watson Howe
People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest.
— Hermann Hesse
A man’s silence is wonderful to listen to.
— Thomas Hardy
A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes
Determine never to be idle… It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
— Thomas Jefferson
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.
— Thomas Jefferson
Enlighten the people, generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like spirits at the dawn of day.
— Thomas Jefferson
Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.
— Thomas Jefferson
I cannot live without books.
— Thomas Jefferson
I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.
— Thomas Jefferson
I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
— Thomas Jefferson
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
— Thomas Jefferson
It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation which give happiness.
— Thomas Jefferson
Never fear the want of business. A man who qualifies himself well for his calling, never fails of employment.
— Thomas Jefferson
Never spend your money before you have it.
— Thomas Jefferson
Never trouble another for what you can do for yourself.
— Thomas Jefferson
No instance exists of a person’s writing two languages perfectly. That will always appear to be his native language which was most familiar to him in his youth.
— Thomas Jefferson
Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.
— Thomas Jefferson
Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion.
— Thomas Jefferson
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
— Thomas Jefferson
The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it always to be kept alive.
— Thomas Jefferson
The will of the people is the only legitimate foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object.
— Thomas Jefferson
Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.
— Thomas Jefferson
We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it.
— Thomas Jefferson
We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
— Thomas Jefferson
Health is worth more than learning.
— Thomas Jefferson
An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens.
— Thomas Jefferson
Advertisements . . . contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
— Thomas Jefferson
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
— Thomas Jefferson
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
— Lyndon B. Johnson
Deep experience is never peaceful.
— Henry James
A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
— William James
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it’s their fault.
— Henry Kissinger
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Turn up your nose at good ideas. You must work on great ideas, not good ones.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Appreciate mundanity: after all, a pencil is high technology.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
The computer shouldn’t act like it knows everything.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Better is the enemy of best.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Relative judgements have no place in art.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Systems programmers are high priests of a low cult.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Point of view is worth 80 IQ points.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Good ideas don’t often scale.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
People who are really serious about software should make their own hardware.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
Content over form, go for fun.
— Alan Kay, Creative Think seminar, July 20, 1982
If I’d asked people what they wanted, they would have asked for a better horse
— Henry Ford
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
— Hanlon’s Razor
Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.
— Vince Lombardi
Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own.
— Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
— Tom Lehrer
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
— Tom Lehrer
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
— Tom Lehrer
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
— Fran Lebowitz
I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.
— Abraham Lincoln
On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
— Tom Lehrer, “The Nature of Math”, 4/4/90
It’s an homage, which is the modern word for ‘we ripped off’.
— Dick DeBartolo, The Daily Giz Wiz
When we die we all become three anecdotes in the memories of those who knew us.
— Tony Kahn, WGBH Morning Stories
But that’s the thing about being a neophile isn’t it? We don’t have to own every new gadget that comes packaged in cardboard and plastic, we just have to know about it.
— Cali Lewis, Geek Brief TV #74
That which one man knows can be taught to others.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Deride not what I say because of its simplicity. Truth is always simple.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Opportunity waits for no man. Today it is here; soon it is gone.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Good luck, we do find, often follows opportunity but seldom comes otherwise.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Good luck can be enticed by accepting opportunity.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Action will lead thee forward to the successes thou dost desire.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Better a little caution than a great regret.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
We cannot afford to be without adequate protection.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
The hungrier one becomes, the clearer one’s mind works–also the more sensitive one becomes to the odors of food.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Ill fortune pursues every man who thinks more of borrowing than of repaying.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
…He who spends more than he earns is sowing the winds of needless self-indulgence from which he is sure to reap the whirlwinds of trouble and humiliation.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
If a man has in himself the soul of a slave will he not become one no matter what his birth, even as water seeks its level? If a man has within him the soul of a free man, will he not become respected and honored in his own city in spite of his misfortune?
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
If thou contentedly let the years slip by and make no effort to repay, then thou hast but the contemptible soul of a slave. No man is otherwise who cannot respect himself and no man can respect himself who does not repay honest debts.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
…The soul of a freeman looks at life as a series of problems to be solved and solves them, while the soul of a slave whines ‘What can I do who am but a slave?’
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Where the determination is, the way can be found.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Thou can’t get ahead by shirking…
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Some men hate it. They make it their enemy. Better to treat it like a friend, make thyself like it. Don’t mind because it is hard. If thou thinkest about what a good house thou build, then who cares if the beams are heavy and it is far from the well to carry the water for the plaster.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Remember, work, well-done, does good to the man who does it. It makes him a better man.
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Art thou man enough to face true fact, or dost thou prefer to live under false illusions?
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Act like a free man and succeed like one! Decide what thou desirest to accomplish and then work will aid thee to achieve it!
— George S. Clason, The Richest Man in Babylon
Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
— Christopher Morley
If you make people think they’re thinking, they’ll love you; but if you really make them think, they’ll hate you.
— Don Marquis
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
— Groucho Marx
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
— W. Somerset Maugham
A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
— Thomas Mann
It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
— H. L. Mencken
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.
— Mignon McLaughlin
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
— Mike Myers
A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.
— Isaac Newton
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.
— P. J. O’Rourke
Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
— J. Robert Oppenheimer
Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are.
— Laurence J. Peter
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn’t much better than tedious disease.
— George Dennison Prentice
We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
— Chuck Reid
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
— Carl Reiner
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
— Will Rogers
Liberty is the air that we Americans breathe.
— Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them.
— Ronald Reagan
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan
Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have.
— Ronald Reagan
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
— Ronald Reagan
But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
— Ronald Reagan
Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty.
— Ronald Reagan
Double, no triple, our troubles and we’d still be better off than any other people on earth. It is time that we recognized that ours was, in truth, a noble cause.
— Ronald Reagan
Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged.
— Ronald Reagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
— Ronald Reagan
I couldn’t help but say to Mr. Gorbachev just think how easy his task and mine might be in these meetings that we held if suddenly there was a threat to this world from another planet. We’d find out once and for all that we really are all human beings here on this earth together.
— Ronald Reagan
They say hard work never hurt anybody, but, I figure, why take the chance?
— Ronald Reagan
History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.
— Ronald Reagan
I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
— Ronald Reagan
Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
— Ronald Reagan
Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
— William Safire
Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.
— George Santayana
There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval.
— George Santayana
How my achievements mock me!
— William Shakespeare
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.
— George Bernard Shaw
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT’S bad for you!
— Tommy Smothers
Be not proud of race, face, place, or grace.
— Charles Haddon Spurgeon
If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn’t be enough to go around.
— Christina Stead
An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
— Benjamin Stolberg
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
— Rex Stout
Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow.
— Arthur Stringer
If we can design our way into difficulty, we can design our way out.
— John Thackara
He knows all about art, but he doesn’t know what he likes.
— James Thurber
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
— Harry S Truman
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
— Peter Ustinov
I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.
— Peter De Vries
What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves.
— Paul Valery
The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well.
— Horace Walpole
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
— A. H. Weiler
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to ninety-nine cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
— Joe Weinstein
The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
— Dick Werthimer
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
— Alfred North Whitehead
There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.
— Doctor Who
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
— Oscar Wilde
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
— George F. Will
Spring is natures way of saying ‘Let’s party.’
— Robin Williams
The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man…only five hundred.
— Meredith Willson
The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.
— Woodrow Wilson
Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
— David T. Wolf
Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
— George Edward Woodberry
There are five possible operations for any army. If you can fight, fight; if you cannot fight, defend; if you cannot defend, flee; if you cannot flee, surrender; if you cannot surrender, die.
— Sima Yi
One forges one’s style on the terrible anvil of daily deadlines.
— Emile Zola
He’s the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
— Unknown
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
— Unknown
Old auctioneers never die, they just look forbidding.
— Unknown
Old salesmen never die, they just get out of commission.
— Unknown
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
— Unknown
Horse sense is stable thinking coupled with the ability to say ‘nay.’
— Unknown
Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground.
— Unknown
It’s foolish to work up a head of steam unless you know what’s cooking.
— Unknown
Love: An ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
— Unknown
Christmas is a holiday where neither the past nor the future is as interesting as the present.
— Unknown
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas.
— Unknown
To cool any urge to run around naked, rub on some windex. It’ll stop you from streaking.
— Unknown
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
— Unknown
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
— Unknown
Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
— Unknown
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
— Unknown
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
— Unknown
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
— Unknown
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
— Unknown
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
— Unknown
You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
— Unknown
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
— Unknown
When she called me average I knew she was just being mean.
— Unknown
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
— Unknown
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
— Unknown
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
— Unknown
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
— Unknown
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
— Unknown
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
— Unknown
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
— Unknown
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
— Unknown
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does.
— Unknown
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
— Unknown
If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
— Unknown
Age is important only if you’re cheese.
— Unknown
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
— Unknown
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
— Unknown
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
— Unknown
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
— Unknown
If you’re too open minded, your brains fall out.
— Unknown
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
— Unknown
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
— Unknown
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
— Unknown
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
— Unknown
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
— Unknown
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
— Unknown
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
— Unknown
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
— Unknown
Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
— Unknown
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
— Unknown
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— Unknown
By the time you’ve figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move.
— Unknown
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
— Unknown
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
— Unknown
If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything.
— Unknown
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
— Unknown
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
— Unknown
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
— Unknown
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
— Unknown
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
— Unknown
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
— Unknown
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
— Unknown
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
— Unknown
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
— Unknown
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
— Unknown
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
— Unknown
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
— Unknown
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
— Unknown
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
— Unknown
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
— Unknown
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
— Unknown
The danger in tooting your own horn is hitting a sour note.
— Unknown
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.
— Unknown
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
— Unknown
If all is not lost, where is it?
— Unknown
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
— Unknown
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
— Unknown
It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
— Unknown
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
— Unknown
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
— Unknown
When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
— Unknown
It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
— Unknown
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
— Unknown
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
— Unknown
Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.
— Unknown
When the rich wage war it’s the poor who die.
— Unknown
When the wrong person does the right thing, it’s the wrong thing.
— Chinese Proverb
The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.
— Unknown Police Officer
Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.
— Unknown Police Officer
Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?
— Unknown Police Officer
Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.
— Unknown Police Officer
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
— Unknown Police Officer
No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
— Unknown Police Officer
You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.
— Unknown Police Officer
Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby.
— Unknown
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
— Unknown
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
— Unknown
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
— Unknown
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top .
— Unknown
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
— Unknown
What if this weren’t a hypothetical question?
— Unknown
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
— Abraham Lincoln
At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
— Ambrose Bierce
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
— Will Rogers
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.
— Peter De Vries
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
— Benjamin Franklin
One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.
— Oscar Wilde
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
— Douglas Adams
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
— Oscar Wilde
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
— Oscar Wilde
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
— Arthur C. Clarke
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
— Will Rogers
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
— Abraham Lincoln
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
— Will Rogers
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
— Will Rogers
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
— Will Rogers
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
— Will Rogers
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
— Will Rogers
We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
— Will Rogers
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
— Oscar Wilde
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
— Oscar Wilde
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
— Oscar Wilde
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
— Oscar Wilde
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
— Oscar Wilde
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
— Oscar Wilde
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
— Oscar Wilde
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
— Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
— Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
— Groucho Marx
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
— Abraham Lincoln
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
— Ambrose Bierce
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
— Douglas Adams
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
— W.C. Fields
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
— Harry S. Truman
There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
— Peter De Vries
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
— Abraham Lincoln
Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.
— Scott Adams
The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
— Arthur C. Clarke
Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better.
— George Santayana
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
— Douglas Adams
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
— Ronald Reagan
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
— Thomas A. Edison
You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.
— Henry Ford
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.
— Thomas Jefferson
To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.
— Scott Adams
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read ‘President Can’t Swim’.
— Lyndon B. Johnson
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
— Thomas A. Edison
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
— Scott Adams
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’
— Ronald Reagan
We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything.
— Thomas A. Edison
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
— W.C. Fields
Why shouldn’t things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.
— George Santayana
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
— Unknown
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
— Scott Adams
In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
— Unknown
The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
— Abraham Lincoln
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
— Unknown
Just because something doesn’t do what you planned it to do doesn’t mean it’s useless.
— Thomas A. Edison
The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.
— Unknown
You pay the right people, loopholes will appear.
— Tom Merrit, Buzz Out Loud
I think there always is rational debate amongst some. And then I think there always is extreme ridiculousness amongst many.
— Tom Merrit, Buzz Out Loud
Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.
— Unknown
Patience is a virtue I don’t have time for.
— Unknown
Learn from the mistakes of others;
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
— Unknown
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.
— Unknown
I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
— Unknown
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
— Unknown
The problem with America is stupidity, now I’m not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?
— Unknown
When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
— Unknown
Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
— Unknown
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
— Unknown
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
— Unknown
What if this weren’t a hypothetical question?
— Unknown
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
— Unknown
I think stories are viruses that use human beings to spread!
— Tony Kahn, WGBH Morning Stories
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
— Niels Bohr
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.
— P. J. O’Rourke
I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy.
— Richard Feynman
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
— Albert Einstein
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
— George Bernard Shaw
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right.
— Isaac Asimov
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.
— Voltaire
Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.
— Isaac Newton
There is always a well-known solution to every human problem–neat, plausible, and wrong.
— H. L. Mencken
The government consists of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent for the business of government; they have only a talent for getting and holding office.
— H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
— H. L. Mencken
They certainly give very strange names to diseases.
— Plato
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
— Oscar Wilde
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.
— George Bernard Shaw
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
— John F. Kennedy
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
— W. C. Fields
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
— Dave Barry
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
— Sir Winston Churchill
What’s another word for ‘Thesaurus’?
— Steven Wright
Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes
Space isn’t remote at all. It’s only an hour’s drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
— Fred Hoyle
I sent the club a wire stating, ‘PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.’
— Groucho Marx
Nothing you can’t spell will ever work.
— Will Rogers
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
— Oscar Wilde
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
— Oscar Wilde
To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
— Albert Einstein
You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans.
— Ronald Reagan
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
— H. L. Mencken
An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.
— Will Rogers
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
— Albert Einstein
‘Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
— Abraham Lincoln
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
— Oscar Wilde
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
— George Bernard Shaw
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
— Sir Winston Churchill
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
— Will Rogers
One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
— Oscar Wilde
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
— H. L. Mencken
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
— P. J. O’Rourke
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
— Oscar Wilde
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
— Sir Winston Churchill
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
— H. L. Mencken
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
— Oscar Wilde
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
— Rodney Dangerfield
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
— Douglas Adams
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
— H. L. Mencken
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
— Sir Winston Churchill
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
— Steven Wright
To be listened to is, generally speaking, a nearly unique experience for most people. It is enormously stimulating. It is small wonder that people who have been demanding all their lives to be heard so often fall speechless when confronted with one who gravely agrees to lend an ear. Man clamors for the freedom to express himself and for knowing that he counts. But once offered these conditions, he becomes frightened.
— Robert C. Murphy