Miscellaneous Quotes

When the wrong person does the right thing, it’s the wrong thing. — Chinese Proverb

If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired. — Unknown Police Officer

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you. — Unknown Police Officer

Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor? — Unknown Police Officer

Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket. — Unknown Police Officer

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven. — Unknown Police Officer

No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can. — Unknown Police Officer

You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here. — Unknown Police Officer

He’s the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. — Unknown

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest. — Unknown

Old auctioneers never die, they just look forbidding. — Unknown

Old salesmen never die, they just get out of commission. — Unknown

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance. — Unknown

Horse sense is stable thinking coupled with the ability to say ‘nay.’ — Unknown

Giant oak trees started out as little nuts that held their ground. — Unknown

It’s foolish to work up a head of steam unless you know what’s cooking. — Unknown

Love: An ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. — Unknown

Christmas is a holiday where neither the past nor the future is as interesting as the present. — Unknown

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like bananas. — Unknown

To cool any urge to run around naked, rub on some windex. It’ll stop you from streaking. — Unknown

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. — Unknown

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. — Unknown

Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. — Unknown

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’ — Unknown

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to. — Unknown

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. — Unknown

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? — Unknown

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? — Unknown

You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. — Unknown

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. — Unknown

When she called me average I knew she was just being mean. — Unknown

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. — Unknown

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. — Unknown

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. — Unknown

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. — Unknown

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts. — Unknown

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. — Unknown

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician. — Unknown

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. — Unknown

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does. — Unknown

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. — Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything. — Unknown

Age is important only if you’re cheese. — Unknown

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. — Unknown

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. — Unknown

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. — Unknown

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. — Unknown

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. — Unknown

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think. — Unknown

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Unknown

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. — Unknown

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. — Unknown

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent. — Unknown

If you’re too open minded, your brains fall out. — Unknown

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. — Unknown

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. — Unknown

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. — Unknown

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. — Unknown

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. — Unknown

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. — Unknown

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. — Unknown

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. — Unknown

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. — Unknown

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. — Unknown

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — Unknown

By the time you’ve figured out how to make ends meet, the ends move. — Unknown

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. — Unknown

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. — Unknown

If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for everything. — Unknown

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. — Unknown

No one is listening until you make a mistake. — Unknown

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. — Unknown

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. — Unknown

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. — Unknown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. — Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. — Unknown

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. — Unknown

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. — Unknown

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. — Unknown

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. — Unknown

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. — Unknown

A closed mouth gathers no foot. — Unknown

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving. — Unknown

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. — Unknown

The danger in tooting your own horn is hitting a sour note. — Unknown

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth. — Unknown

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. — Unknown

If all is not lost, where is it? — Unknown

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. — Unknown

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few… — Unknown

It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere. — Unknown

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. — Unknown

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. — Unknown

When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? — Unknown

It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere. — Unknown

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. — Unknown

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. — Unknown

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other. — Unknown

When the rich wage war it’s the poor who die. — Unknown

Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby. — Unknown

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. — Unknown

Fools rush in where fools have been before. — Unknown

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. — Unknown

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top . — Unknown

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. — Unknown

What if this weren’t a hypothetical question? — Unknown

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. — Unknown

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it. — Unknown

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. — Unknown

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off. — Unknown

Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth. — Unknown

Patience is a virtue I don’t have time for. — Unknown

Learn from the mistakes of others;
You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
— Unknown

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.
— Unknown

I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere. — Unknown

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. — Unknown

The problem with America is stupidity, now I’m not saying there should be capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself? — Unknown

When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. — Unknown

Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. — Unknown

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots. — Unknown

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination. — Unknown

What if this weren’t a hypothetical question? — Unknown

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! — Unknown

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